Before I start, the answer to myself and to you is no. Continue…
I had a chat with my therapist recently and this question came up because it’s something I have truly believed for a long time. Not only am I unloveable, am I unlikeable? Am I annoying? Am I just quite simply the worst human ever?! Everything negative you could think of, I have asked myself the question.
After a year or so of dating and the highs and lows of that, that specific question pops into my mind on a regular basis. WHY, doesn’t he like me?! WHY, did he just fuck off and never speak to me again?! What is wrong with me?! I am the correlation in all of this, I am the thing that gets left behind so it must be me, surely?!
Just because someone doesn’t like you doesn’t mean you are the problem, just like when you don’t like someone it doesn’t mean necessarily they are the problem. Maybe it is something within you, sometimes…you just don’t feel the same way. No reasons involved, you just don’t and that is okay. I need to start telling myself that when another boy decides to disappear off the face off the Earth, it is not necessarily because I’ve done something wrong, maybe it is just not the right time for them and for us. There is more going on in someones life than me and them.
After my first ex I thought I’d never love again and I thought no one would ever love me again, but they did and I was madly in love again. After my next ex boyfriend, I had more hope because I had thought “well, I found love quickly after the last” – boy, was I wrong though…a year and a half later and I am trudging through the mud of mid-twenties dating BUT, that is OKAY! I still have hope.
There are so many people in the world that I had a light bulb moment only days ago to realise that the last person to love me wasn’t the last, there will be another but just maybe not right now, or any time soon and that is just fine. I will continue going through the ups and downs of dating and taking it all in.
I realised that I no longer want to look at each person as a negative experience, I have learnt something from each one and that’s great. Each person I meet is a learning experience, I grow from it and know what to do or what not to do the next time. I now know if I like boys wearing cream trousers on a date or not (I absolutely do not, burn them) and I learn to value myself and my feelings more each time.
I really have learnt a lot from each one, here are a few cases for example:
The accident: I learnt to always use protection.
The boy who spit in my mouth in the kebab shop: don’t date them for a few more weeks, probably end it there and then and avoid the heart ache that will follow.
The fuck buddy: do it on my terms and don’t give in because I think that’s what I should do.
The wasted nights: don’t go on dates because you feel you owe them something because they are nice…if you don’t like them, don’t go, it’s okay!
The wrong name: think before you speak, Shannon.
The kite: don’t pretend you enjoy physical activities like flying kites, you don’t? DON’T LIE.
This is all good and all okay, and I am learning each day about myself and I am also learning that I AM loveable. I am, I am a kind person with a lot of love to give and it will happen when the time is right for me. For now I can continue to grow as a young woman and take on each experience for the next time.
Finding your self worth and self love is a journey, it does not happen over night. It can take so long but I am so glad that I am finally learning to value and love myself. I am all I need right now.