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BIG FAT SIGH.

I’m totally sighing at life right now. I’ve been absolutely fine for the past few weeks, I returned to London and my mind went back on itself and bummed me out.

You see, when I was little my dream was to live in London and work at a magazine – I’m now 19 and a half and have no idea really what I want anymore and it’s infuriating. It’s annoying not knowing whether to take the plunge and drop out of university tomorrow or stick with it and stay being miserable.

I’m 19, of course I’m going to change my mind about my life plan but it’s a shame because I was so certain all this time what I wanted. 80% of me wants to just get on with life, stop messing around with education that could or could not pay off and just start living. Start earning a living, save up for a place of my own, learn to drive etc etc. What am I actually doing? Stressing about semester 2, sitting in my university room bored out of my head and have no real plan of what I want anymore.

Is this normal? To be totally unsure of my whole entire life?

I’M AN EMO MESS.

I hate the fact that I’m trying super hard to stay positive but no one is seeing that, it’s just hard to fight it sometimes. It’s hard to stay positive when you worked your arse off last semester and received not much to show for it, but that is literally the story of my life in education. I’ve always worked really hard but in reality I’m just not the best academic writer on Earth so it never seems to pay off in a good way for me, it just leaves me feeling disappointed in myself with a list of criticisms that aren’t constructive in the slightest.

Everyone makes out they’re preparing you for education but they’re not, high school never prepared us for what sixth form chucked at us and sixth form never, EVER prepared us for what university was about to throw at us. Everyone said it would be way easier than sixth form which is THE funniest thing I think any teacher has ever said to me, the only good thing to come out of this is me making loads of amazing new friends and becoming independent – although, I kinda gave up on cooking real meals and went straight to sandwiches within like a month.

No one ever prepares you for the uncertainty that makes you feel like a total failure to yourself and everyone else, to doubt your decisions is a horrible feeling because it makes you feel like you’re wasting everyones time and more importantly your own time. No one ever prepares you for how lonely you’ll feel sometimes when you’re laying in silence in your bedroom for hours on end. No one ever tells you that you’re going to question your entire life decisions and then be completely stumped about what you actually want to do and feel super alone with these thoughts. The worst part is you just don’t want to disappoint anyone, but to me I’m disappointing myself but letting myself get more and more bummed out and not being able to snap out of it.

Tell me if you’ve ever felt like this so I feel a little less alone with this…

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