Hiiiiiii everyone, another day another post about my mental health.
I’ve been thinking about what I have to gain and lose from my mental health, it’s tricky. I’ve spoken before how it feels like my head is split in half, one side is stuck in the mental illness side of things – this side wants to stay in the warped comfort of my eating disorder and my anxieties that drive me up the wall daily (but also drive me… it makes sense to me). The other side of my head is the one that wants to be better, wants to live for my future and stop being stuck in this horrible cycle everyday.
Okay so what do I have to gain from keeping myself stuck in this cycle? Oh, absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can possibly gain from this, I can only lose. Lose everything, lose myself, even though I believe I’ve already lost myself – I have to get myself back.
Anyway, anyone who has suffered from an eating disorder may relate when I say that you’re scared of losing it. Losing the strange comfort you get, it has been there when no one else has. Even though this is the thing that may have pushed others away. But it’s SO STRONG that you believe sometimes it is all you need. I know I’m scared of losing it, without it what am I? Without my constant anxieties what do I have to think about?
I even said the other day out loud “I miss how I was” I couldn’t quite believe I said it, I take it back. I said that because I had so much control when I was getting to my worst and my lowest point. I could wake up everyday and eat (or not eat) whatever I wanted because I was at university and no one could tell me what to do, no one was watching my every move. That has changed now, I get watched a lot and worried about a lot and that isn’t fun for anyone. Nobody wants that.
I don’t think there is anything to gain or anything that I long to keep with this. I need to lose it all and get back the person I lost and everyone else lost along the way.
To gain? I have everything to gain. I have confidence to gain, strength, love and a life. I have a little baby nephew on the way and I want him to grow up healthy and happy, I don’t want him to see his Auntie Shannon the way others have seen me. I think about something quite a lot, when my brother was starting to go out with his girlfriend Chelsea (now fiancé) I felt like I was just always sad, always just laying on the sofa asleep because I didn’t actually want to be awake and I know I was never judged but I wouldn’t like to see someone like that, because it is sad. My worst nightmare is to be like that in front of this little baby that is coming into the world.
I have strength to gain, I know I’ve lost a lot of it. Before I got bad I would be able to go for runs and exercise for fun not for weight loss, but now I don’t trust myself to do it and I don’t think anyone else does either. I want to be able to do these things again for FUN. I want people to trust me to do these things to look after myself and not to ruin myself.
I have a lot of confidence to gain, I’ve never had it though. This has been the case forever, it’s not something that has occurred with the ED – I’ve never been confident. I was only ever confident at university when I had drunk a bottle of wine and the world was mine. Other than that, I’m not confident in myself. I want to get there and believe I am as lovely as people tell me, one day.
I have a life I want to live with the love of my life, I won’t have that if I let the eating disorder and all the other problems win. I have a home with my love, and I want a future with my love. I want to get married and have babies of our own, I want to have a successful life where we can provide a great life for our family. I think that is my biggest motivation.
See, when you’re struggling you really do have to think about the bigger picture. It’s hard, but just think. What DOES the future hold? What can I do to change this? Can I get help? Of course. It’s hard but the help is there, there is always someone to help.
Your future needs you, your family need you and YOU need you.
Look after yourself and never give up, the future is bright but you just need to get there.