Mental Health

I Went Backwards…

Hi everyone,

I’ve been very much absent from posting for a while now. I was so happy a little while ago, anxieties disappearing, wanting to get on top of my eating disorder, the lot you know.

I took a turn, my biggest turn in my mental health journey – even as I write this I’m trying to hold back tears because I am so fed up, so hurt by my own brain.

I don’t know how it started or when but it did. My health anxiety took over and I’ve been in the palm of its hand ever since. I have never had anxiety like it in my life and I’ve had a lot of it, let me tell you. I am fully in the grips of anxiety, I am its bitch.

It’s ruining every single day for me, every day. I am at work and have to go home because I’m afraid my hearts going to stop and I’ll die at my desk. I am sitting at home in tears because I am afraid I will die. I’m walking anywhere and I’m scared that’s where I’m going to die, right there on the spot.

I guess I do know where it all started and why it happened. I got lucky, I have got an amazing life and I really do. I have met the absolute love of my life, I have amazing friends, a beautiful nephew and a lovely family and my mind thinks it’s okay to try and steal it all away from me. Like I don’t deserve it.

I don’t know why I believe I don’t deserve all of this goodness, I do deserve it, I DO.

I am scared I am going to leave them all and never return and not have this amazing life that I want to lead with this beautiful soul of a boy that I was so lucky to meet and fall head over heels in love with. He is my world, and I want to share this world with him.

Anxiety traps you, it ruins you and eats you and spits you out until you are no more. You are nothing but anxieties crappy little creation. I don’t want to be anxieties creation, I want to be a creation made by the people around me who love me and protect me.

I have spent weeks upon weeks feeling like this, I thought I’d turned a corner – I was wrong – again, letting everyone around me down. I was at work and I just cried and cried all day, cried on the bathroom floor, panicked and got sent home.

The feelings I have in my body are ones I have never felt before with anxiety. The feelings in my chest are of pure fear and dread and I can’t shake them, they won’t go away. I want them to so bad.

I am so sad, exhausted and done with being this way. I don’t want to live my life under anxieties thumb anymore.

I feel warmth rise up my spine when the anxiety fills me up, my body goes numb and my head goes dizzy and there I am. In the middle of a panic attack once more trying to get out. I am so fed up.

I want to be the happy girl I was born to be, the happy girl my boyfriend deserves to see and the happy girl my mum and dad brought into the world.

I am so apologetic that I am ruled by this disgusting illness. I couldn’t be more sorry if I tried.

I just want to live again, I want to be free, how do I become free from this when I’m in so deep? I can’t get out, I am drowning in these fears of dying and being taken away from everything I love.

I know we all have set backs but I’ve had enough set backs to last me a lifetime, it really is time to start living.

I need to.

I have always been so about getting through mental illnesses and speaking about them and this is me right now speaking the fuck up. I cannot be ruled anymore, I cannot be told what to do by an evil part of my brain I cannot be told everyday that it is my last. I have a life to lead and a world to see and I refuse to do it anymore.

This is it now, this is where I am done. I am so done with all of this.

Anxiety, depression, my eating disorder – it’s all done. I am not going to live that life anymore. I am tired of it, so physically tired and so mentally tired.

I know it’s going to take time to get back up, I know I’ll have bad days, I guess this is one of them – but I just am at the end of it all now. I’ve hit a wall and I need to climb over it.

It’s time to make some fucking changes.

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