Hello everyone, I hope you are all well!
How am I you so eagerly ask? I’m okay…I am getting there. Well and truly getting there, some days are bad, some days are fucking awful but some days are okay. I am slowly getting my motivation back, slowly getting a calmer mind and seeing that it’s all going to be okay day by day. I am almost at the ideal weight my nurses want me to be at and I’ve never reached that point before, I am proud. What a roller coaster it has been.
I think about that a lot, I claim this year has been the worst of my entire life. I had my heart broken, I lost my home that I shared with someone I thought I would be with forever, I lost my amazing Grandad and my mental health just dramatically declined. Anyone would agree, it’s been pretty shit. Then I had a moment the other day where I realised that actually it hasn’t been all that shit. I have a problem with doing that you see, making everything seem worse than it actually is. I will say things like “I was constantly going on and on today about how I’m going to die” – actually no, there were probably moments in that day where I spoke about other things entirely. So in that sense, this year hasn’t been the worst of my life, it’s just been a learning curve I guess.
I took a moment to recognise all of the good things I’ve done this year and all of the things I have experienced that wouldn’t have happened if all of the bad things didn’t happen either.
I could go on and on for eternity about the best thing that has happened to me this year (or EVER) and that is my Daniel. I am so grateful for him as you probably read here . He has been my absolute sunshine on the rainy days, the person who has held me up when I’ve absolutely crumbled and just the bestest friend I could ever wish for. It is crazy how you meet someone and suddenly they are your world, 9 months ago this boy didn’t exist in my world and now he IS my world. God I’m fucking cringey, the power of love. We’ve had the best time and I am so excited to be better and continue our adventure together.
I’ve been on a few holidays and made memories, memories I will never forget. I’m talking about a situation I had in Amsterdam which will haunt mine and my friend Bens memory forever. “Don’t joke about death Ben, we almost had a death!” I feel like that is a story for another day and well, my Nannie might read this…
Dan and I went on our first holiday alone and then a family holiday and I just love making memories with him! I had the loveliest time and it just makes me want to see as much of the world as I can with that boy.
I have had a whole year of being an Auntie to my gorgeous nephew, that is something I will always treasure. His first year was spent laughing and making us all smile on the bad days, what a little angel.
I held up a job through this entire breakdown. Well-fucking-done me! I don’t honestly know how but I did, with a few hiccups along the way. I can now go to work and get through the days without rushing off home from yet another panic attack, I am just plodding along and I am happy to do that right now. That is just what I want to do. I am happy to sit at my desk and talk to customers all day, have a laugh with my friends and then go home at the end of it knowing I made it through. I am proud of myself for that.
I have also made a whole bunch of new friends, I seem to make a lot of new friends for someone who always thought they were the ‘shy’ one. Meeting Dan meant that I got to meet a new group of people who I can now call my friends and that is lovely. We’ve even planned a couples holiday to Spain next year so we already have things to look forward to and push towards!
I think the biggest thing I will have gained from this year is that I have gained strength. I find comfort in knowing that in time I will have learned from this time and it will make me stronger. One day I will look back and see how far I have come, I already do that now but one day I will be able to pass on the things I learnt and help others to overcome difficult times.
For now I am proud of how far I have come and I can’t wait to reach the end of it.
When times are tough just take a moment to recognise it hasn’t always been tough, it CAN be better and you CAN have times when it’s okay and you are happy and having fun. It’s all about taking one step back in your mind to just breathe in, remember it’s going to be okay and then try again to take on the moment. Keep fighting x