Throughout your mental health journey there will be times when you really think you’ve made a huge breakthrough. Something will ping in your head and you’ll wonder why you are staying within the grips of your mental illness. You will listen to a story, realise the pain you’re putting yourself through or see your mum break down time and time again and you will have little breakthroughs.
Unfortunately they don’t always last long and that’s okay. Little breakthroughs are good, well done! But if you go backwards after a couple of days, that’s okay too…the journey was never made to be an easy one.
I find that little breakthroughs show that I’m getting there, like I’m just shooting off the path for a minute and it feels great. It feels like I can progress when before I felt stuck in the horrible little rut of anxiety.
Throughout my journey this year I’ve had many little moments where I thought “this is it, no turning back now!” – we even put little signs all around the house which said “today I change!” with the date 30th August 2017. I didn’t change that day, I tried to for about 2 days and I went back again. I did that time and time again.
It’s hard, it’s disappointing and disheartening when you think you’ve done it this time and escaped the clutches of your mental illness, but it’s okay! Because the breakthrough moment comes when you least expect it really.
I was talking to my mum about a time when I was very ill when I was younger. A time which I think is the source of my health anxiety. I’ve never really spoken about this on my blog, and I only ever mention it to people if the scar in my face hurts. I don’t know why, but it was a very hard time for me and it will live with me forever. I think I’ll save that story for another day.
Anyway, we spoke about it and my mum described how it was such a scary time for us all. She said how I remained brave the whole time though, something I always forget.
I was a young child, I can’t even remember how old I was because I’ve kind of blocked it out of my memory. I think I was 8 and it had been going on for many years before that.
I went into hospital for my final operation, which turned into three operations in one week. My mum said it was horrible, watching me go off and having to sign papers to say I might end up paralysed on one side of my face. Mum said I was strong through it all though, I just wanted to get it done with so I could move on.
The way my mum described this strong, little girl was amazing. I had forget she existed. I really forgot that this little girl was me.
I have put the thought in my head that I was protecting this little girl in my head, but really she was so much stronger than I’ve ever given her credit for. She was not scared of dying, she just wanted to get out. She wanted to walk to the shops even though her face was the size of a football. She just wanted to get better and live her life.
This was my breakthrough moment. This was finally my lightbulb moment. My mum told me things I never knew and never realised and I can’t thank her enough for opening my eyes.
I now need to live off of the strength that little me once had, she was amazing and she got through so much.
That girl was me. That girl IS ME.
I am using that strength to get through the pain my mind is putting me through, I’m excited to move on and get through this all for the final time. The future is calling me and I am finally going to reach it.