Me, THAT’S WHO.
Hi everyone, I flunked out on Blogmas and I apologise, I was really enjoying myself but then my brain took over.
So it was Christmas time and what happens to me over Christmas? I freak out. I have no idea why, because I love Christmas so much. It happens most years and that’s just the way it goes, that is what I am used to.
Christmas was coming and I had great news, I’d landed myself a new job in a different department at work. 2019 was setting itself up to be the best year! But then sweet, little, innocent anxiety comes in to play some games once the good news settles in. “It’s Christmas AND you’ve got a new job? Time to fuck it all up for you then I suppose”
There it all begins, I start getting pains in my left arm and I am convinced it’s a heart attack waiting to happen. Heart palpitations and shortness of breath fill me daily, one 111 call later and that’s over. But oh no, the next day is the 23rd December and a new symptom shows it’s face, this time it’s pains in my right leg. Immediately “I’ve got a blood clot” I tell everyone, jokingly I will say “I won’t even see 2019, I have a blood clot” – funny joke Shannon.
This continued all over Christmas, the Thursday after Christmas I go to the doctors because I cannot deal with the discomfort anymore. The doctor squeezed my leg and said “you can walk on it, you’re fine, I’ll give you some painkillers” to which I reply “that’s all you’re going to say?” “yes, I’m giving you painkillers” – THAT’S ME DONE. I was upset, angry, I felt looked over completely. When really he was doing his fucking job and giving me the treatment he thought necessary.
All the while I am constantly reassuring seeking from my mum, dad, boyfriend, via whatsapp with my brother and texting my friend Ben. Anyone I could get the reassurance from I was chasing.
Sunday came and I decided it was time to call 111 again, that number has to be my second most called number under my mum, surely? “get to A&E within the hour, it sounds like maybe it could be a blood clot” this is fantastic, this is fucking fanfuckingtastic. My nightmare has come true, I was right and everyone was wrong. Look at me now anxiety, you were actually right for once!
I got to A&E, I wanted to go alone because my melodramatic head didn’t want to ruin anyones day but my mum decided to join the fun party. “hmm, could be DVT (deep vein thrombosis) – we’ll send you over to the GP”. I could be dying of a blood clot travelling to my lungs and you are sending me to the G FUCKING P? I obliged, of course.
The doctor opened the door and he said “haven’t I seen you before, at Pinewood?” and me, the embarrassed, anxious mess who had seen this dishy doctor plenty of times replied “uhhh yeah like loads of times” he looked at me as if to say ‘what this time?’ – blood clots bro, blood clots.
He felt my legs, soft, soft, soft. “no sign of a blood clot here” and then went on to talk to me about my anxiety.
Ah, relief settled in for about 78 seconds. Knock, knock, anxiety here! Your leg still hurts so it’s still a blood clot, that doctor who trained for years has no idea what he’s talking about. We’re about to switch the anxiety up by a level.
A couple of days passed, New Years eve happened and the pain was radiating through my leg the entire night. It’s all fun when I’m around, trust me! My friends were the victims of my constant reassuring seeking, happy New Year everyone.
Thursday arrived and I needed more, I needed it because I could not cope. I saw a nurse practitioner who I had seen lots of times before, she is good to me. With the same complaints she felt my legs, she measured them too. If I had a blood clot in my tiny, little right leg it would be pretty obvious. My right leg was 1cm bigger than the left, fuck me, ginormous, call an ambulance!
“I think these pains might be due to a vitamin d deficiency” well, I’ve definitely felt the brunt of the dark Winter nights and mornings this year so this made sense. Although, I’d never heard of leg pains being related to vitamin deficiencies. So off I went for a nice afternoon blood test, just another day in the life of me!
The next day I had a phone call to tell me that my liver function was raised (alarm bells ringing), my iron was slightly low (nothing new) and my vitamin d levels were also low and I needed to go to the chemist to get supplements for the next 6 weeks. The doctor was right, she suspected something and she was right. When has this ever happened, anxiety? But then again, when have YOU ever been right, anxiety?
I go off and I start googling ‘vitamin d deficiency symptoms’, ‘vitamin d leg pains’, ‘vitamin d anxiety’…the list goes on and all I’m doing is falling down my rabbit hole.
Today, I sit here with electric shock feelings going through my head and arms. What is that? A symptom of anxiety? Absolutely. Something even worse? EVEN MORE LIKELY, OBVIOUSLY – this is anxiety screaming at me.
Anxiety is always screaming at me. It’s screaming at me to go to A&E, to go to the doctors, to call 111, to ask that question I’ve asked a million times already. It doesn’t help. Anxiety is there thinking it is protecting me by catching something before it catches me, all the while it is killing me before its eyes. I am not living because anxiety is trying to stop me from dying. I am not dreaming because anxiety doesn’t want me to die along the way to reaching my dreams. I am not fighting because anxiety has made me weak. I am not me when anxiety is in control, and in control it is.
Every relapse I have hurts me more than before, it hurts me to watch my family and friends, my lovely boyfriend go through this pain with me. They didn’t ask for this, but neither did I. I asked for a happy, care free life. But maybe that was too much to ask of a brain like mine who wants to hold onto fear and try to keep me safe.
You are not keeping me safe. You are punishing me for trying to live. This is not fair. This is not the life we were supposed to be living.
Let me live.
Let me live.
Let me live.
I will get through this relapse, I will. The fight inside me aches to feel okay, it aches for happiness. I will get it, I promise.
I will never, ever give up on this fight. I have too much to fight for.