Hello you, it’s been a while. It’s been too long, you’re like an old friend I keep meaning to meet up with but seem to avoid at all costs, my bad.
I would love to say that my absence was for good reason, like I was travelling the world or doing amazing things with my life and ruling the universe. Fact of the matter is, I have just had a fucking funny year and haven’t felt like writing at all. Here I am again though, at a time when my mental health has taken a dip and I turn back to writing. I’ve spent the last few evenings just putting pen to paper and writing, but nothing makes me feel more connected to myself than writing on my blog. That is the way it has always been. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few days and realising some things along the way.
In my life I have done so many things, so many good things, some bad things. I have gone through so much and got through all of it with strength I didn’t even know I had at the time. In my life I have been in love, and been heartbroken. I have been in lust and broken some hearts. I’ve experienced pain in physical and mental forms that I never thought I’d have to experience at such young ages. I’ve seen bad things, I’ve done bad things. But over the past few days like I said, I have tried to remember all of the good things I can outweigh them with.
I could sit and focus on the bad but from this moment onwards I am going to try not to do that anymore. I have spent so much time focusing on the bad things and not enough time on the good. I seem to forget all of the good things I have achieved.
I forget that I got through some really rubbish illnesses when I was little, those were horrendous times but little me did it. She was so strong! I would love to be more like her again, to have her drive and her strength. I mean, I’ve hardly grown in size since then I am sure I can get her mentality back somehow.
I always forget that I beat anorexia. WHAT!? What an amazing thing that was to achieve, and I never give myself credit for it. Once upon a time that felt like the impossible but I made it possible with that strength that I always feel I never have, I did have it. I am living proof that I had that strength.
I forget that I lived in London for a year. Before that year I would never even walk into a shop on my own, I would never get a bus on my own, I would never approach a stranger and ask a question. Nothing. But off I went, a new city, all alone. I travelled alone, made new friends and went for long walks all on my own. I was a new woman and I did a great thing there.
I always forget that I’ve gone on amazing holidays and had experiences all over the world. I’ve gone from Sweden to Switzerland to Dublin to Austria, Europe has been my oyster and I’ve loved every moment I have spent on those adventures. Creating stories and memories that I can tell to people for the rest of my life.
I take for granted that I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Family, friends, colleagues, they are always there to help me through and to make me laugh and smile when I need it the most. They have helped shape me even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. I am so lucky.
For me, it is time to start recognising all of the good things and stop giving so much attention to the bad things. What is the point, really? I have so many good things to remember and my whole life to allow more good things to happen. These bad thoughts are not important, they simply have no importance. They haven’t done anything good for me over the years, they will not be things that I look back on and remember. All of the good times and things I have achieved? They are what I need to focus on. My strength to get through, my drive to get better even when it is impossible – these have to be my focus points from now on.
Bad thoughts? What bad thoughts?