Mental Health

Scared of dying but not living.

I’m scared of dying. Petrified actually, this whole thing with my health anxiety is based around the fear of being ill and having to end up in hospital and missing out on all that life has left to show to me. 

But in the mean time, I’m not living. I’m far from it. I am living a nightmare, that’s true but living the life I am supposed to be living? Not at all. 
Miserable, in pain and scared. Those are the things that seem to define me on my journey with health anxiety. Where is the happy girl I know I can be? Where does she go when she’s so frightened she just wants to sleep until it’s all over. 
I went through a period of time where health anxiety didn’t rule me, other things did and the sad thing is that sometimes I wish I had those other things again because I don’t know what to do with the health anxiety thoughts. 
I fought an eating disorder, with that there were days which were so occupied by my fear of gaining weight and my obsession with taking photos of my body to see which bone was protruding that day where I never thought I would see a ‘normal’ day again. But I did, I had some normal days until health anxiety decided to return and rule the roost of my mental health. 
Oh, eating disorder, you could’ve stripped Shannon of life entirely but you failed? Maybe I’ll just make her life hell then so she suffers that way. Thank you health anxiety, you’re doing a great job of what you set out to do. 
I am sad. I am fed up. I am scared. This mental illness is one that I fear I’ll never see the end of and I will be 75 and still scared of dying but the chances are it will be more likely then than it is now. 
I have always wanted to be in a position of helping others with their mental health, this is why I talk about it so openly but the truth is that I’m still so deep in it and I can’t even take my own advice. God knows how long this road is, but I just want me back. I want her back so bad. 
What does one do when they are afraid of every strange feeling in their body, do they keep running to the doctors to just be dismissed with the whole “it’s just anxiety” line again and again? Or do they just get on with it and if they die they die. Either way, it’s a bit fucking shit. I don’t know how to win this fight. 
I’ve done it before, I can do it again, sure. But as I lay here, eyes dry and head spinning from what everyone is telling me is anxiety and a sinus infection but my mind is telling me is a brain tumour, I can’t really see a way out. I’ve had all the help I can, I’ve seen counsellors, doctors, I have friends and family who devote so much time to me but still NOTHING. 
Am I just so unwilling to get better? How is that possible? Who wants to live a life like this, surely no one. I don’t, although people think I do when I am still so stuck in the horrible cycle of anxiety and I don’t believe anything anyone says to me. 
Perhaps I’m just incapable of getting better but that’s a very negative way of looking at it. (That is what I do best though) 
Writing it down helps me, you know, I like to get my thoughts all out onto this silly little blog that I’ve used as an outlet for years. I’m just waiting for the day I can write a post where I am no longer suffering and I can really help others.
I’ll keep waiting for that day. 

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