Now that’s a title I don’t think you’d ever expect to write in your life. A fucking PANDEMIC?! It’s been months and months and it still seems unreal.
At the start of it all my mental health really wasn’t too bad, really I was in the best place I’d been for a long time. I wasn’t too deep in my health anxiety, my body confidence was high and I was happy. I haven’t been too scared by COVID this entire time, which is surprising considering my anxiety is surrounded by health. I just felt like it gives you more of a reason to try and live your life to the fullest because we are young and this thing is holding us back. It makes you want to get out when the opportunity comes up because you never know when we could be stuck back in our houses again, so I’ve been fairly chilled about it.
It’s not COVID which has triggered my mental health really, it’s the life surrounding it I think. The lack of human contact, being stuck in a flat without a garden, working from home (that’s the big one) and not knowing when it will come to an end.
I feel like my confidence has dropped dramatically, I’m questioning everything all of the time – wondering if I am a good person, if I upset everyone, if my actions are a problem. I feel closed in all of the time and working from home when your sofa is a metre away and your kitchen about 3 metres, it is tough. I miss my work friends, the office environment and the gossip. I miss telling all my office ladies about my scandalous weekend activities and having them absolutely love the drama, I miss lunch times with my friends. I JUST MISS IT.
I am yearning for a break from it all, just to escape and run away and feel normal for a second. My brain has taken a huge dip and I don’t feel like myself at the moment, but that is okay. It is okay to be feeling this way, confused, sad and even angry. This is not a normal thing to be happening, working from home for 6 months is not normal, a lack of human contact is not normal. Basically pushing the breaks on life, is not normal.
I’ll be honest I have seen people when I probably shouldn’t have and I have been selfish. You know what though? When it comes to your mental health, be selfish! Look after number one, without number one you’ll have nothing. You must look after your brain before anything else, you may feel selfish at times but if you’re not somewhat happy and somewhat content then everything else may just turn to shit around you.
It is a fucking hard and confusing time isn’t it, and no one knows what’s right and wrong. We are usually all just plodding along in life trying to navigate it but now we are trying to navigate an even weirder life and world.
I’m trying my best to get my brain back into an okay place, okay for me is just fine. I am happy to just be okay. I am looking for the ideal therapist to help me through this time, I am trying to spend time with my family and dogs because I feel somewhat safe with my bad thoughts with them.
I will get there and if you are struggling in this time, so will you. This is a temporary thing where we will come out of the other side and we can work on our lives again. For now, be kind to yourself and be easy on yourself. You and I are doing the best we can. We can only take this one day at a time because this is ever-changing, and change is scary so whatever you are feeling is so unbelievably valid and it is okay!
Keep talking, speaking to your friends and family and if you need to reach out elsewhere there are lots of places to go:
Samaritans – 24/7 via telephone on 116 123 or via email on firstname.lastname@example.org
Mind – Monday to Friday 9am to 6pm 0300 123 3393
I am happy to talk to anyone if they are struggling, please drop me message on Instagram or Twitter!