Today I said something out loud that I’ve never really spent the time thinking too much about. On my way home from an appointment with my eating disorder practitioner, after realising that I really AM fully on the road to recovery I realised that I am afraid to be okay.
I said to my mum and my brother “I’m scared to not have anything anymore” – it sounds RIDICULOUS. But it was followed by a tonne of tears and a crying headache. It’s the truth though, I feel like I am afraid of being okay because like I also said to them, I don’t know who or what I am without these problems I seem to have grown up with since I was at least 10 years old.
From the age of 10 I’ve suffered with anxiety (health, general, social), depression, OCD and this bloody eating disorder. Who the fricken shit am I without all of these?! This person I am is all I know, I don’t know who the ‘real Shannon’ is and it’s pretty terrifying.
My brother and my mum went on to say “when you’re being funny with that dry sarcastic sense of humour that’s the real you, when you’re with Ryan, that’s you” and it’s just odd that everyone else sees these aspects of ‘me’ that I don’t even recognise as me most of the time.
My mum said that I’m somewhat going through a grieving process for the little knicks in my head that have controlled the way I’ve thought, the way I’ve lived and gone through my life over the years. She said that it’s all horrible thoughts though, and when it’s all gone and all better I’ll just be…me?
IT IS A VERY STRANGE CONCEPT TO ACTUALLY GET MY HEAD AROUND. I’ve just never took the time to sit down and think about it, to realise that perhaps that’s whats been holding me back. Because I’m too afraid to let go and be okay…as much as I really want to there is all these things in my head holding me back and I guess that’s precisely what mental illnesses are. They try to take over your whole life, sometimes succeeding and not wanting to budge when you’re taking control and doing something about it.
It can be repeated time and time again, I, you, we, are not our mental illnesses. We are who we are, we are the people who have our whitty, unique ways of living, probably funny (am I blowing my own trumpet? you bet your ass I am), loving, kind and caring people who have so much more to live for and so many more people who love us and to make proud. We don’t need to let the shit in our heads hold us back, it’s just a matter of finally taking control.
My boyfriend said that I’m feeling like this because new things are scary, that’s it I guess. The feeling of being truly happy and okay in my mind is something I’ve never really known, it’s new but it’s nice, right? And why should I be afraid of that…
It’s just a matter of time before I can finally say I’m there, I’M OKAY. I’m terrified, but I’m so open to letting it happen, to let the things in my head finally go and live the life I’ve always wanted to. Oh, what a day.