Things People Don’t Know

People who know me and people who probably don’t know me (those who follow me on twitter etc.) will know I suffer from anxiety – very badly. This has got increasingly worse throughout the past few years, I don’t really know what fully triggered it, I’m still figuring it out myself.

When I say I suffer from it very badly, I mean very badly, to the point where almost everyday I think I’m going to die from some sort of awful illness. In fact at this very moment I’m worrying about a headache and thinking that it is something a lot worse. But, by doing that I’m only making the headache worse. I’m my own worst enemy.

Although my anxiety is probably more health based I do worry about literally everything else as well. For example, I’ll be walking down the street and think that a car is going to pull up next to me and take me away so I prefer to walk on busy roads where I know there are a lot of people about, this means I take the longer walk to college if I’m by myself just to stop myself getting scared that I’m going to get kidnapped. If I’m walking into a shop I get scared that I’m going to do something incredibly stupid like just make a complete tit of myself, to be fair it never happens but each time I walk into a shop on my own I still get that horrible feeling of dread. Whenever I’m sat in class I won’t ever look the teacher in the eye because I fear they’ll ask me a question and I’ll have to speak in front of the whole class and I’ll say the wrong thing and everyone will laugh at me, again, that never happens and sometimes I’ll just say something that will make people laugh for all the right reasons and not the wrong.

Some people might think I’m attention seeking when I’m constantly going on about how sad and scared I feel, I’m doing the complete opposite – I’m just looking for reassurance. Being centre of attention really isn’t my thing, a massive fear actually. I never do anything to try and draw attention to myself, I absolutely hate the feeling of people looking at me. So, if you ever see me tweeting about how awful I feel, don’t think I’m just looking for attention and sympathy because I really never am.

Anxiety is the worst thing in my life, I have a really good life actually – amazing family, great friends, an obsession with a boy band who will never know of my existence but they still make me happy, a roof over my head, food, I have everything I need. But that anxiety…well, that is something I just don’t need.

I only started to really get bothered by it this year, I had hit a brick wall, I was in a really dark place earlier this year and I didn’t even truly know why. It felt like my mind was always blank, I felt really lonely. My mum would always ask me what was wrong but I’d have to reply “I don’t know” because I really didn’t know. There was no reason to be sad and down all the time but I just felt so sad. I went to the doctors and got put through to therapy – I’m still going now and have been for about 5 weeks, although I haven’t seen much improvement, my negative self has to be convinced that it will help. I know it will help, deep down.

Anxiety is horrible, it ruins a lot of opportunities. I’ve always had such low self esteem that I can’t even bring myself to speak to boys sometimes because I’m too scared they’ll ignore me because I think I’m disgusting and it’s also ruined things in the past as well because I’ve just been too scared. That’s the thing I’m just always ‘too scared’ and that’s what needs to be kicked out of my head and I hope one day it will be.

There’s a reason I felt like writing all this, I was walking around Sainsburys thinking about what I could say. I simply needed to get it all out of my head and admit things to friends that I’d never had the balls to say to their faces.

xo gossip girl xo (no, I’m joking)

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