To be okay…

Helloooo! Today (or this evening) I wanted to talk about the recovery I’m going through at the moment and people may possibly be able to relate to the way I have felt throughout. 
My journey to health and happiness has been ongoing, as has my illness. My mental state is one that I’ve been open about because it’s gone on since I was 10 years old. My recovery truly started in December, however I have had many forms of counselling in the past. 
What I really want to talk about is the time when I started on anti depressants in December of 2014. 10mg a day is what I started on and what I am still on, I had been reluctant beforehand to go on medication. Although the offer had never really been there because I was so young, I had never asked for it either because the thought of medication scared me but do you know what…I was so wrong. 
The first two weeks were crazy, with the medication comes quite strange side effects that the majority of people on the tablets experience so it was to be expected. I had nausea, absolutely no appetite (apart from pick n mix, ya I’m nearly 20, pick and mix RULES) I also looked high as a kite with dilated pupils, anyone would’ve thought I had been hot boxed I looked mad. But it all wore off and what came after was something I’ve never felt before – the feeling of being somewhat content. 
For years all I’ve ever known is a low mood, a low daily mood was all I ever felt. I’d wake up hoping for a new feeling but it just never happened as much as I wanted it and as much as I tried, the world just wasn’t my friend. But these tablets started to change me and it was quite amazing. 
I hadn’t felt content like that in God knows how long, it was strange. A week in January/February I sat in my room at university in London and I felt empty, not in a bad way but not in a good way either. Usually my mind would be on overdrive but it wasn’t, there was nothing there and I didn’t know how to feel about it. I rung my mum, cried and told her I felt weird and lost and she responded by saying something along the lines of “it’s because you’re not worrying, you’re not sad and you’re not used to it” and that was true! I never knew what it felt like to have a stress free mind, a mind which just wasn’t fussed about silly little things that I was usually bothered about, it was scary to be…okay? 

I feel like many people get like that in their recovery from mental illnesses, we are so used to not being okay that we settle and once it changes and we start to feel okay it’s all weird and abnormal. Really, it’s the way we deserve to feel, of course. We really do deserve to be okay, to be more than okay! To feel amazing and that’s where I want to end up, I’m still on that journey

Eventually it all becomes okay, and feeling okay is the norm. All the sad times and the bummed out feelings become a distant memory. The way I see it I’ve fought my mind and come out so strong (however, with a long way to go still) and I’m here to continue the fight. 

Good luck to you if you are also fighting for happiness, you rule x

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