It’s been a tough morning, I have to say. I’m going away this weekend and this always fills me with crippling anxiety – I don’t know why. I think I’ve been building up to a bit of a breakdown all week and it happened this morning and I feel so guilty.
I feel guilty that I let it get the better of me and I let it control whether or not I was going to go to work (I didn’t) – I try to be positive on here, radiate positivity and pretend I’m doing just fine. I only ever come back on here when something really gets to me. This has really got to me, I feel terrible that I’ve let it get the better of me once again. I feel weak, I feel like a bad person and now I’m terrified I’ll get fired. I am a bloody poo.
I need to realise that my mental health is important, some days I do realise this but then when it does this I just feel like I’ve failed. All the progress I’ve made was for nothing.
But then I remember that ups and downs are in fact essential in the recovery process, I’ve discussed that with my therapist. Without the downs I wouldn’t be able to use my techniques that I’ve learnt to get me back up, going backwards is normal and important. It is human.
I guess I just feel like everyone around me works hard and I’m just slacking off, but then I never cut myself a break for this.
I’ve been doing okay you know, I’ve had to increase my intake of food to try and get my periods back (HELLLLLLO PERIOD TALK) and I’m more determined than ever to do this. I think that’s been subtly pushing my buttons all week and it was only a matter of time before I said ‘no, I need some me time’. This morning has been my me time, I’m just lucky that my work place understand even when I feel like I’m absolutely cheating them for doing stuff like this.
In other news though, I am in fact going away later today to London to visit my university friends. I’ve just gotta get through that initial anxiety that I get every single time I go away and enjoy myself.
I hope you’re all well and plodding along with all of your positivity.
I’ll be back soon with some less negative posts, I promise! x