It’s World Mental Health Day today, I don’t know why this day always make me think so much (like I don’t do that enough anyway) – but it makes me reflect, where I’m at, where I’m going, how far I’ve come.
I’ll be honest I’m still struggling, the struggle is so real. I’m getting there though. My therapy sessions are coming towards the end and I could’ve cried when I realised last week that this was the case. I don’t know why I felt emotional, but I’ve built up such a trust and faith in my therapist it’s going to be very strange not seeing her every week. I’m learning new techniques, trying to apply them, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.
One of the biggest steps I’ve taken recently is after a conversation I had with my eating nurse a couple of weeks ago. I was weighed, as per usual, the weight wasn’t going up too much. My eating disordered head was pleased about this, my sensible head still confused. I asked the question “so, what weight do you want me to be at to be classed as healthy?” I was asking this for my own peace of mind. We went through previous weights and she told me where I should ideally be but really in recovery you’re classed as being healthy when you have your periods return.
I wouldn’t know this though as I’ve been on the contraceptive pill since I was fourteen due to being anaemic and obviously now because of doing the frickle frackle. A period on the pill is not ‘real’ as it were, it sounds strange and I still don’t really understand. I never listened in biology lolz. Anyway, the thought took over me like “WHAT IF I’M NOT HAVING MY PERIODS AND I DON’T GET THEM BACK AND I CAN’T HAVE BABIES!?!?!?!?!” My whole life is leading up to the day I pop out children and have a family and a house and a husband. If I’ve screwed that up for myself by listening to a little demon in my head making me not eat then I would simply never forgive myself.
I made the decision to come off the pill because of this, this is the biggest step I think I have made in my recovery! A positive one, because it shows I want to know where my body is at, what I have to work to and where this is all going.
I’m proud of myself for that. FYI – I’M NOT HAVING BABIES YET. Unless all that bloating I get is due to a nugget in my belly or just due to the eating disorder recovery…let’s think logically here.
In terms of depression, I’m doing okay you know. My job gets me done, again I’m being positive about this and looking for new ones to try and better myself there.
I’ve learnt to distract myself better than I’ve ever done in the past. I’ve always been too occupied in my own brain to focus on other things. But I’ve been doing my prints, having nice baths with Lush bath bombs and chilling watching telly surrounded by candles. I’m doing okay.
I have such a long way to go, I have to learn to accept myself like my therapist always teaches me to say “I completely love and accept myself”. It’s just learning to believe it.
I’ll get there, I hope.
I see other people who have suffered who are radiant, enjoying life, not worried about the size of their thighs or their chubby little cheeks. I want to get there one day.
I admire anyone who recovers from a mental illness and that is what today is all about. Love and support one another on their journeys, recognise the difficulties other people face and help them get to the end of that journey.
It’s all a journey, one we can all get through when we believe we deserve the happiness that is at the end of it all.
All the love xxxx