Firstly I’d like to say a Happy New Year to you all, let’s make it one full of positivity and love and all the good shit.
I’ve slacked so much on the blog lately and I’ve said this a billion times on here but my motivation has been fucked. I have been poorly over Christmas and not wanted to do a thing let alone blog.
I’ve got some blog ideas in my head so they’ll come shortly, you know, the usual 2017 goals, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
For now though I wanted to just talk about what’s going on, where I’m at, how I’m feeeeeeeeeling. Hi my name is Shannon and I suffer from an eating disorder, all kinds of anxiety and depression… this is your cue to say HIIIII SHANNON.
I thought I was doing so well, I thought I was proper tackling the eating disorder and following my meal plan to a T. But then I got a vomiting bug on top of being generally poorly (I still am, why God why!?) and there I was with my eating nurse yesterday to find out I’ve not gained weight at all. Fuck the fuck off body, fuck off.
I have been trying so hard to get better, so hard to be happy and so hard to get my blob back and this is the way my body treats me? I suppose it makes sense considering I’ve treated it like crap for the past however many years.
I was disappointed in myself, I felt like the biggest failure ever. I left and cried and cried, saw my friend and cried, saw my boyfriend and cried. I just feel awful about trying so hard and not seeing any results. I think that is the worst thing about it. I want to physically see results, feel the results and feel like there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.
I’ve relapsed more times than I can tell in my recovery, that’s normal and no one would ever judge. I’m just my own biggest judge.
Then I told myself to shut the heck up and get on with it, add some more to my meal plan and not let that little voice tell me I’m just going to balloon and be awful.
I’m doing okay. I realised that I really am doing okay, I’m holding up a job, a relationship and running a house all while trying to get myself better. I’ve wanted to give up on all of those things multiple times recently because my mind just can’t handle it but I haven’t and I’m very proud of myself.
I want people to know that it is okay to be disappointed but really, don’t be. You really are doing just fine, if you need time away from everything too, that’s fine. I did that, I do that most months when work just gets a bit too much – I take time away from it because that is what my mind and body needs. Sometimes it really is too much.
If you’re struggling and you need time for you, do it. You are the most important thing in your recovery, jobs, partners, friends, houses, they’ll always be there at the end of the day. But you? You need to be there to appreciate all of these things when you’re ready to. Look after yourself, treat yourself. Be kind and let yourself know that you’re doing just fine. You’re working your hardest at getting through the shit.
I think I say these things as an indirect way to speak to myself but I also want anyone who reads this to feel okay.
As I said, I’ll be blogging more (hopefully when I feel better and my brain wants to cooperate with me) but again, happy new year! Enjoy and make it all worthwhile.
All the love, Shannon x